


Star Wars on Death Sticks

by flabby_abby69



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-15
Packaged: 2021-03-10 08:41:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27967733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flabby_abby69/pseuds/flabby_abby69
Summary: This is a collection of Star Wars, Clone Wars, and Rebels short stories that contain lots of cussing, romance, and craziness.  These adventures range from Rex finding a girlfriend to Thrawn throwing a party with Ezra to Jar Jar Binks revealing himself as a Sith Lord.  Enjoy!
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. The Lady's Man

“Alright, Rex, are you more into senators or Jedi?” Anakin asked, throwing himself into the captain’s chair. He, Ahsoka, and Captain Rex were about to go on a nice joy ride in a speeder around Coruscant. “I mean, personally, I prefer senators, but that’s not important.”

“Uh, Sir—” Rex was in the back seat, fidgeting with his helmet in his lap. Anakin had told him earlier that he wanted to discuss something important, but Rex wasn’t expecting  _ this _ . “I don’t really… I can’t—”

“Oh, c’mon, Rex!” Ahsoka teased and punched him in the shoulder. “You’re a whole ass man!” Suddenly she became very serious. “And I mean that in the most sibling way possible. But anyways, you  _ have _ to have feelings for  _ some _ lucky woman!”

“Well— I…” the Captain blew out a frustrated sigh. “Why are we even talking about this?! We could talk about battle strategy! Or the war! Or you and Padm—“

“Rex, if you don’t answer the question, I’m demoting you,” Anakin deadpanned, and Ahsoka snorted. 

Rex froze in the middle of buckling himself in. “You can’t—“

“Yes I can.”

The trooper rolled his golden eyes and slumped back in his chair. “Senators.”

“Ha!” Anakin laughed in Ahsoka’s face. “Pay up, Snips!”

Her eyes darted back and forth before she held up a finger. “Later,” she finally forced out with a sheepish smile. “Sooo, Rex. Is there any particular senator you have in mind?”

Other speeders passed by as they made their way further into the city, and Rex tried to think of all the senators he knew. Some of them were nice enough, pretty, too. He typically liked them better than Jedi because they were clever with their words and didn’t make him rush into battle all the time like the two Jedi in the seats in front of him. But was there a specific lady who he had laid eyes on?

“I… I don’t think so, Commander.” Rex rubbed his hand over his head. He and the boys had talked about girls all the time, and Fives usually had the most to say. But the Captain supposed there had just never been the perfect lady for him.

“Well,” Anakin swiftly swerved the speeder to the right, back towards the Jedi Temple. “We’ll have to fix that.”

~*~

“Commander, what the hell are we doing?” Rex growled, pulling at the black mask covering his face. Anakin and Ahsoka had on masks, too, and they all had binoculars around their necks. “I’ve been asking you for an hour and you just keep threatening to demote me!”

“Shhh! Or else I’m firing you!” Anakin hissed, focusing on something in the distance. They were all squished into the vent above some grand meeting room, and at the moment, it was empty. 

“I’ll tell you, Rex,” Ahsoka smiled as she placed a hand on the Captain’s shoulder. “But only because I want to see the funny look on your face when I tell you.”

Rex frowned. 

“We’re going to find you a girlfriend!” she whisper-shouted in his ear.

“What?!”

“Ya know, a girl that you hang out with and take on dates—“

“I know what a girlfriend is!” Rex waved his hands around in an attempt to get Ahsoka to shut up. “But I don’t need one!” He looked around at their black outfits and masks and binoculars. “And this is not the way to find one!”

Anakin just chuckled, but then gasped. “Here they come!” Rex squeezed in between the two Jedi to look way down at the golden arches around the room where senators were starting to pour in. In the middle sat a huge, long table with a hologram of a map on top. 

“Based on the map,” the trooper muttered. “it looks like they’re talking about trade routes today.”

Anakin aggressively removed his binoculars from his blue eyes and glared at the Captain. “Rex, we are looking at women, not maps.”

Sometimes Rex really wished Anakin wasn’t his Commander. 

“Oooo, what about her?” Ahsoka pressed her finger up against the vent. 

“I can’t see,” Rex said. He wasn’t really trying, but the two Jedi couldn’t see him, not with their eyes inside their binoculars. 

“Maybe putting on your binoculars would help.” Anakin teased.

Damn it.

The trooper sighed and pressed his binoculars up against the vents before looking into them. He supposed he would play their game.

“Who am I looking at?” Rex murmured.

“The green lady with the pink hair and the white dress. She’s sitting down right now near the head of the table,” Ahsoka whispered excitedly.

The trooper squinted and moved the binoculars back and forth until he spotted her. She was quite beautiful, with round, pink eyes and slender limbs. She looked authoritative and confident, too. “I see her.”

“Well, what do you think?” Anakin questioned.

“Eh…” How could Rex base his answer off of only looks? “I mean, she’s lovely, but I don’t actually know her, Sir. And I just—”

“Oh, get out there,” Anakin sighed, and then he pushed Rex with the Force.

Before he had time to say _ ‘CLANKERS!’ _ , the vent had blown off and the Captain was flying through the air. He landed with a loud  _ OOF! _ on the table, and all the senators scrambled and screamed.

Rex took a moment to cuss and swear and dust himself off before standing up, only to find a bunch of female senators gaping at him. He chuckled and rubbed the back of his neck, willing his cheeks to stop turning red. Then he gave them a nervous wave. “Hey, ladies.”


	2. Thrawn's Secret

“Thrawn, I’m bored,” Ezra groaned, sliding to the floor of the ship. They had been floating in the middle of nowhere for a week now, and Thrawn refused to have any fun with Ezra. Every time the little Jedi asked him to play a game or learn a cool hand-shake, Thrawn just threatened to murder him.

“Shut up, Bridger, or I’m going to kill you.”

Ezra just sighed and rolled his eyes. “Fine.” Then he spun around in the captain’s chair for a while before flipping random switches on the console of the ship.  _ What if he could play music? _

The young man explored the console until he activated the holo-manual, and it wasn’t long before he gave up because Ezra really didn’t like reading. After pressing a lot more buttons, he finally figured out how to play music through the speakers of the ship.

“Ha!” he celebrated, and smashed the ‘play’ button.

_ “NOW FROM THE TOP MAKE IT DROP THAT'S A WAP THAT'S A WAP—” _

“Ow! Ow! Ow! My ears!” Ezra yelled, plugging his ears with the fingers. “Where is the stupid ‘off’ button?!”

“No,” Thrawn commanded. “Leave it on.”

Then the Grand Admiral ripped off his coat to reveal a sexy, muscular chest and abdomen, and he started busting down like Thotiana. 

Ezra lurched forward in his chair and ogled at the shirtless man in front of him. “Woah! You’re good!” The Chiss was shaking his ass faster than a ship could travel at light speed, and he was kicking his legs higher than a Jedi could jump.

Thrawn smiled devilishly at Ezra when he was finished. “One of my many talents,” he purred.

“Well, can you teach me?” the younger boy was bouncing up and down in his chair. “I need those skills to impress Sabine when I get back.”

“Mmm…” Thrawn wrinkled his nose. “Based on my studies of you, Ezra Bridger, it will probably take you a very, very long time to achieve the same amount of skill and success as me.”

“No! No!” Ezra jumped to his feet and held his hands out. “I bet I’ll be a natural!”

The Grand Admiral stared down his nose at the boy. “We shall see. Turn the music back on.”

So the young Jedi pressed ‘play’ and scuttled up beside Thrawn. “What’s the first step?!” he yelled over the music.

“Obviously, based on the lyrics of the musical piece, you must start  _ from the top _ .” the Chiss kicked his leg up into the air, almost effortlessly. “Like so.”

“Okay, okay.” Then Ezra did the same. “I did it!”

“A little sloppy, but I didn’t expect much more than that,” Thrawn drawled. “Now, we must  _ make it drop _ .” He launched himself onto the ground, waiting for Ezra to do the same.

“Easy,” the young man bragged from beside Thrawn.

“Not for long.” Thrawn commenced to shake his blue ass like there was no tomorrow, and Ezra tried to follow. But he looked more like a dog trying to find a bone. 

“Augh!” Ezra pouted, flopping onto the floor. “I’m just not as sexy as you, Thrawn!”

“Ah, and unfortunately, you will never be.” Thrawn stood up and dusted himself off. “But you must keep trying. Get up, Jedi.”

And then the two continued to perform the WAP dance, music blaring and strobe lights flashing, until Ezra was  _ almost _ as sexy as Grand Admiral Thrawn. 


	3. Ice Skating

“I still can’t believe going ice skating with your favorite youngling is your idea of a  _ great 15th birthday party _ ,” Anakin grumbled, marching through the snow.

“Hey, it’s my birthday!” Ahsoka retorted as she patted Grogu’s head. “I get to decide what we do.” The little, green creature giggled.

“I personally think it’s a great idea.”

Anakin whipped his head around to find Obi-Wan, all bundled up in furry coats and ear muffs. “When did you get here, Master?”

The older Jedi jogged to catch up with them. “Just now. I had to find a way to escape the Jedi Council meeting.”

Anakin frowned. “How come  _ I _ didn’t know about the meeting?”

“Maybe because you’re not a Master?” Obi-Wan smirked, and Grogu made a little happy sound.

“I think he’s making fun of you, Skyguy,” Ahsoka teased.

Anakin folded his arms over his chest. “We’ll see who’s laughing once we get out on the ice.”

Ahsoka rolled her eyes, and the group of four made their way to the iced-over lake in contented silence, enjoying the beautiful sunlight bouncing off of the snow and the snowflakes drifting to the ground.

“Here we are, Grogu,” Ahsoka bopped him on the nose once they reached the ice, and he smiled up at her. 

“Ahsoka please be careful with him,” Obi-Wan sighed.

“I will!” she assured him as they all pressed buttons on their special boots, causing blades to stick out of the bottoms. “He has a little robotic basket that will keep him out of harm’s way. Just watch!” She picked up Grogu and gently placed him in a metal box filled with fluffy blankets. Then she put the crate on the ice before pressing a button, and Grogu was flying over the ice.

“Look at him go!” Ahsoka squealed, clapping her hands together.

“Ugh,” Obi-Wan rubbed his temple. “I have a bad feeling about this.”

“I don’t!” Anakin exclaimed before bounding onto the ice.

“Huh. I wonder what brightened his mood,” Ahsoka mused.

“Oh, dear,” Obi-Wan groaned. Then ran after his Padawan. “Anakin, I know what you’re going to do! Don’t—OUGHF!” The Jedi Master crashed to the ground after slipping on the ice.

Anakin looked back over his shoulder and cackled. “Nice try, Master! But you can’t stop meEEEOUUUWWW—” The younger Jedi slammed down onto the ice flat on his back, and Ahsoka burst out laughing. 

“This is just embarrassing,” she taunted, gracefully skating around the two fallen Jedi. Then the cart zoomed by, and all you could see was Grogu’s big, green ears flapping around. 

“Ugh,” Anakin moaned, trying to sit up. “Get back here, kid!” He thrust his hand out before him and brought the basket to him with the Force.

“Anakin, stop being reckless!” Obi-wan yelled as he latched onto the basket with the Force. Now Grogu was stuck in between them, being pulled left and right.

“You don’t even know what I’m going to do!” Anakin shouted back.

Obi-Wan started scooting across the ice, closer to the machine. “Yes I do! You are most likely going to jump onto the cart with the intention of riding on it, but you will only cause it to tip over!”

“No! I—” Anakin suddenly closed his mouth and looked confused for a second. “Yea, actually you’re right. But it’s not going to tip over!” He clambered to his feet and began skating towards the giggling creature.

“Yes it is!” Obi-Wan tried to reach the child first, but Anakin beat him to it.

“Haha!” the Padawan celebrated as he jumped onto the cart and sped off.

Obi-Wan just smacked a hand to his forehead.

“You better hold on, Grogu!” Ahsoka warned playfully, but the youngling’s hands were in the air and he was giggling harder than ever before.

“YAAAHOOOOO!” Anakin whipped one of his hands in the air like a cowboy with lasso. “Grogu loves it, Master!”

Obi-Wan shook his head disdainfully, even though he was smiling. “Alright, I suppose I was a little too overprotective.”

“Just a little,” Ahsoka teased as she slid up next to him. Then her eyes widened. “Well, actually—”

“Oh, my—” Obi-Wan started.

“General Skywalker,” Rex called, struggling over the ice. He was looking down at the comlink on his arm. “Master Yoda has a message for you!”

Anakin was laughing as he zoomed over the lake, his arm over his eyes to shield them from the snow. “What did he—” He uncovered his eyes just a little too late. “REX! WATCH OUT—”

“AGHHHHH!” they both roared. The cart crashed into Rex before Anakin and Grogu went flying, arms and ears flapping. Then the Jedi landed with a loud OOF in the snow, but Grogu was still in the air. 

“Oh, no!” Anakin tried to get to his feet, yet the snow kept a tight grip on his body. “I can’t—! Oh.” Grogu landed right in his lap, and clapped his little claws together in delight. Anakin smiled down at him. “You’re not so bad after all, little guy.” The Jedi quickly looked around to make sure no one saw him being kind to a youngling when he noticed Obi-Wan and Ahsoka crowded around Rex. 

“Aw, shit―oop.” Anakin held up Grogu and whispered, “Don’t say that word.” Then he brought the child over to Rex, who was moaning on the ice.

“I think I broke all the bones in my body,” the Captain complained.

“I wouldn’t go  _ that _ far,” Obi-Wan corrected. “But he does seem to be in immense pain,  _ Anakin _ .” The older Jedi gave the Padawan a look that could wither souls and destroy planets.

“Oh, stop being dramatic,” Anakin chuckled nervously and placed Grogu in Rex’s arms. “He’ll make you feel better in an instant.”

Rex scoffed. “How is a child supposed to—” His eyebrows started rising as he began to smile. “Actually, I feel much better.” The Captain carefully took one of Grogu’s fingers in his own. “It’s like his cuteness is healing me.”

Obi-Wan was fidgeting beside him. “Well, I think my bottom is quite bruised from falling earlier, so… so I think you should share.”

“Eh, I don’t know, General…” Rex continued to play with Grogu. “I don’t feel 100% yet, and—”

“Rex, give me the child!” Obi-Wan huffed. Then he gave an embarrassed smile and rubbed the back of his neck. “I haven’t gotten to hold him yet…”

The clone trooper chuckled. “Alright, General. We’ll take turns.” Obi-Wan eagerly snatched up Grogu, and the group continued to pass around the little kid, cuddling and snuggling and making him giggle.


End file.
